I just finished reading the 'Devil and Miss Prym' by Paulo Coelho. Average story line, a really small plot but Coelho manages to weave really profound statements in his books, For example: God's hell is his love of mankind. Man's hell is his love for his family. So true!
The book talks about the ongoing struggle between the devil and the angel by each man's(humankind) side. The devil brings on feelings of guilt and fear in man which prevents the angel from communicating with him/her. So then, is the guilt of torturing my brother when we were growing up, guilt of inflicting other forms of mean acts of my friends been the work of the devil? Are my fears the work of the devil? my growing fear of the world becoming a more and more unfit place to live, my fearing for the safety of my husband, brother and father each day when they go about their daily business, my fearing global warming predictions coming true in my time, my fearing nostradamus' prediction coming true in my time, my fear that life on this planet is a commodity and loss of life a casual-ty, are these fears the work of the devil. It sounds quite far fetched but i don't exactly know what philosophy to use to wear my existence out.
I've always wanted to contribute in some way to make this world a better place and ofcourse get credit for it (Is that so bad?). I've always wanted to be different. I have from the time i remember contemplated on the purpose of my existence. I have wondered if my objective in life is just to fulfill my own karma, live my karmic cycle and die. It sounds disheartening but then if i never had the courage to quit my career, which btw was an accident and cultivate or pursue subjects of interests, how can i think of contributing to the greater good?
Can books lead you to your path? Books like "Warrior of the light", "A New Earth", "The Book of Secrets". Is it just me or these books don't help. I have not received any enlightenment from the tarot card readers either. They ask me, what is it that you want to do? If i knew or had the confidence to do it i would have done it. I wish i had a fraction of the tenacity of the Buddha to find the answer or a fraction of the fearlessness and single minded sense of purpose like Mahatama Gandhi to pursue my calling.I even went to a 10 day meditation retreat, hoping i would find a clue. Then again, i am a part of the instant food, instant gratification, instant everything generation, so if the clue did not reveal itself in the 10 days it wouldn't later (or so i assumed). Alas! I am just another lost soul in the mass of humanity who cannot determine anything. I cloak it as "Going with the flow of life" but i wonder, is it really going anywhere or is it just my laziness?
"Answers and the like appear if you search for them, they are all within yourselves" say some buddhists texts. I do not know if i have received any answers, but i do keep finding ways to consoling my self temporarily, to push my self to do the right thing, to be nice to people, to pay my past life karmic debt, to put my present karma in place. Coelho on the same subject has something interesting to say, he says, it is not the Love of God which makes us do good things, it is the fear of punishment which prevents us from doing bad things. I think he might have hit the nail on the head (though it makes me feel even worse about myself). 'It is the fear of Punishment'. It is not wanting to be wracking my brains in my next life for my higher purpose if global warming and the other forebodings of destruction allow me :).
Having said all this i still have a lot of unanswered questions, more questions than my brain has time to find consolatory answers. It is quite frustrating. The way things stand, i think i might be just another speck of dust on this place called earth. It is no better than being a sheep in the herd. So much for a soul's purpose and it's path.
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